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Extramarital Affairs: What Everyone Needs to Know and What You Can Do to Help
Recent statistics suggest that 40% of women (and that number is rising) and 60% of men will at some point participate in marriage. Put those numbers together and it’s estimated that 80% of marriages involve one spouse at one time or another in an adulterous situation.
It could be a very steep number. However after twenty years and working full-time as a marriage and family therapist, I can’t believe that number is off the list. I worked with a lot of people who went into atheism and didn’t see it.
The chances of someone close to you entering or entering into a marriage (one of the three groups) are very high.
You may know. You will see the signs. You will notice changes in the habits and behavior patterns of the person including detachment, lack of attention and decreased productivity. Maybe you know something is “off” but you can’t pinpoint what it is.
It’s not like he gave it to you. Those who hide the cause remain hidden. The “victim” of marriage is often, at first, faced with anger, pain, shame and thoughts of not being able to express the problem.
It may be important to focus on the person and your findings, depending on the nature of your relationship with the person.
It is important to understand that extramarital affairs are different and have different purposes.
In my study and experience with hundreds of couples I have discovered 7 types of infidelity.
In short, some extramarital affairs are a reaction to a lack of relationship within the marriage. Some may be caused by an addiction or a history of sexual confusion or trauma.
Some in our culture play on issues of power and authority by being “rich hunters.” This “boyish” mentality is encouraged in some areas. Some get into sex because they want drama and excitement, and are fascinated by the idea of ”being in love” and “feeling love.”
Working out of wedlock is subject to compensation because the spouse did it or didn’t do it. Or is it due to anger? Although revenge is the cause of both, they are different in nature and form.
Another form of atheism is the concept of establishing self-interest. Asking for “OK” may lead to a short time with the same person. Finally, some issues are a dance of trying to balance the need for distance and intimacy in marriage, often with the spouse’s role.
The meaning of marriage life is different for each person. Some reasons are the best for marriage. Some are doing the dying. In addition, different dating events call for different strategies on the part of the spouse and others. Others want stability and mobility. Others require patience and understanding.
The emotional impact of discovering adultery is profound. Days and weeks of sleeplessness, rumination, longing (for many people) and fruitlessness followed. It usually takes 2 – 4 years to “use” the effects. A good teacher or therapist can accelerate and decompress the process. I don’t recommend “marriage” advice, first of all.
The negative emotional impact comes from the power of the couple. Trust is broken – people’s ability to understand the truth. The most important step is NOT to learn to trust someone else, but to learn to trust yourself. Another is the power of secrecy in relationships. The secret that requires mental and physical pain sometimes needs to be recognized and acted upon.
How can you help?
Those in their crisis have told me they need you:
1. Sometimes I want to vent, to get out without any junk. I know sometimes I say things I shouldn’t say. It may not be pretty, beautiful, or simple. Know that I know better, but I have to get it off my chest.
2. I always want to hear something like, “This shall pass.” Remind me that this is not forever.
3. I want to be validated. I want to know that I’m okay. You can do it by nodding in agreement when I talk about pain and confusion.
4. I want to hear sometimes, “What are you studying? What are you doing to protect yourself?” I want a little awakening that moves me away from my pain to see the bigger picture.
5. I want space. I want you to be calm and patient as I try to organize and express my thoughts and feelings. Give me time to be alone, full and stumbling my way through this.
6. I need someone to point out some new or different paths I can take. But before you do this, make sure I listen first and approve.
7. When it comes to your mind, suggest a book or other resource that you think will help me.
8. I always want to hear, “How are you?” And I want this to be more than an informal thank you. Give yourself time and space to see how things are going.
9. I want you to understand and care about feelings and needs. I want you to be comfortable with the gray areas and contradictions of how I feel and what I want.
10. I want you to be predictable. I want to trust you to be there, listen and talk all the time, or let me know when you can’t do it. I appreciate that.
External factors are strong. Reasons are expensive. It affects family, friends, colleagues and employers. Adultery is an opportunity – to redesign one’s life and love relationships in ways that lead to honor, joy and true relationships.
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